RecklessDaughter (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} yourbestfiend) wrote,@ 2008-05-09 15:22:00 |
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Where the pictures at?
Oh darlings!
I don't know what to say. I want to say beautiful things but I have no mind for them anymore. I want to give the blood of my womb and the sweat of my brow and the jointwork of my fingers to something, but I simply cannot fathom how this (livejournal) audience receives anything I ever say anymore.
In short, I believe you are either too much in love with me or you are too disgusted with me to ever ever ever say anything to me every again.
You know how every second of your existence is swallowed up either by self-doubt or by a too-finely-tuned sense of irony? Or by an all-too-objective distance from Self, Sense, Vocation?
(Yes I do know, what do you mean?)
I mean: I want to say beautiful things but I have no audience for them anymore. And anyway, who wants to hear about somebody who is "satisfied," or "happy" with their place in life; who among you wants to know of joy or accomplishment or what rewards come from concerted effort?
Very few, I suspect. So then I don't know what to tell you, because I can never ever ever speak of my discontents. I can't talk about work (coworkers are reading!), I can't talk about love (lover is reading!), I can't talk about friends (friends are reading!), I can't talk about writing (other writers are reading!) in any true fashion.
So, simply, maybe this is heading towards a friends-only forum??? Which is altogether besides the point, because the readers I write for are the ones who aren't even my friends to begin with.
But to change things/minds/moments altogether: and to speak of those things we cannot name!
1) I am in the most passionate love/hate relationship with my job right now. Everything is changing, nothing is staying the same. Just keep checking our website for the latest updates. Most of which contain the unspoken statement: "GOOD FUCKING LUCK GETTING A STUDENT LOAN HAHAHAH SUCKERS!!!"
I am altogether always all for change, which is coming fast and furious and without mercy. I am also altogether always for the kids I meet here, the kids who drop by my office to shake my hand and compliment me on my music and eat my candy and sit in my chairs and talk to me about everywhere they've ever been, the places they lived before they lived here: Kansas City, Dubai, Iraq, Baltimore, Iceland, Colombia, Oxnard. If you said "hey carrie where do you want to go when you die and go to heaven," I'd say film school, and I'd say this school for sure. I love love love this place but I hate how hard it is for these kids to get here. But good lord above do they make it worth my time when they're here.
What am I obsessed with right now? Oh lord, you know, the usual:
LOST
Tumblr
Raymi
Dan Simmons
Salad
Not eating carbs
video games
Getting skinny (er)
Looking at pictures of hot dogs and mac n' cheese.
Oh darlings!
I don't know what to say. I want to say beautiful things but I have no mind for them anymore. I want to give the blood of my womb and the sweat of my brow and the jointwork of my fingers to something, but I simply cannot fathom how this (livejournal) audience receives anything I ever say anymore.
In short, I believe you are either too much in love with me or you are too disgusted with me to ever ever ever say anything to me every again.
You know how every second of your existence is swallowed up either by self-doubt or by a too-finely-tuned sense of irony? Or by an all-too-objective distance from Self, Sense, Vocation?
(Yes I do know, what do you mean?)
I mean: I want to say beautiful things but I have no audience for them anymore. And anyway, who wants to hear about somebody who is "satisfied," or "happy" with their place in life; who among you wants to know of joy or accomplishment or what rewards come from concerted effort?
Very few, I suspect. So then I don't know what to tell you, because I can never ever ever speak of my discontents. I can't talk about work (coworkers are reading!), I can't talk about love (lover is reading!), I can't talk about friends (friends are reading!), I can't talk about writing (other writers are reading!) in any true fashion.
So, simply, maybe this is heading towards a friends-only forum??? Which is altogether besides the point, because the readers I write for are the ones who aren't even my friends to begin with.
But to change things/minds/moments altogether: and to speak of those things we cannot name!
1) I am in the most passionate love/hate relationship with my job right now. Everything is changing, nothing is staying the same. Just keep checking our website for the latest updates. Most of which contain the unspoken statement: "GOOD FUCKING LUCK GETTING A STUDENT LOAN HAHAHAH SUCKERS!!!"
I am altogether always all for change, which is coming fast and furious and without mercy. I am also altogether always for the kids I meet here, the kids who drop by my office to shake my hand and compliment me on my music and eat my candy and sit in my chairs and talk to me about everywhere they've ever been, the places they lived before they lived here: Kansas City, Dubai, Iraq, Baltimore, Iceland, Colombia, Oxnard. If you said "hey carrie where do you want to go when you die and go to heaven," I'd say film school, and I'd say this school for sure. I love love love this place but I hate how hard it is for these kids to get here. But good lord above do they make it worth my time when they're here.
What am I obsessed with right now? Oh lord, you know, the usual:
LOST
Tumblr
Raymi
Dan Simmons
Salad
Not eating carbs
video games
Getting skinny (er)
Looking at pictures of hot dogs and mac n' cheese.
